Dannys Desk

No one impacts a boy like his dad.

When dad gives him what he needs, he develops an internal sense of worth.

If he doesn’t, the boy spends his life trying to prove his worth.

The best gifts from a father aren’t bicycles or phones.

8 gifts your son needs from you

Availability:

There’s an adage in sports that says, “The best ability is availability.”

The same is true for fathers.

Of all the things that damage the hearts of our sons,

Absence leads the way.

Sadly, most men are largely checked out.

And our sons are paying the price.

Availability starts with being physically there, but includes our emotional, spiritual, and relational presence as well.

It takes intentional work to put aside the pressures and pursuits of life.

But nothing communicates worth more to a boy than a father who shows up.

Delight:

C. S. Lewis said that “joy is the serious business of Heaven.”

I believe joy is also the serious business of fatherhood.

More than anything, our sons need our delight.

The father’s smile communicates a deep truth to the heart of a son – You are worth enjoying.

I wonder how many addictions in adult men started with not being enjoyed as a boy.

When you grow up feeling like a burden to bear or a problem to solve,

It leaves a hole men will try anything to fill.

As dads, we can stop that cycle before it starts.

Give your son your smile.

Approval:

I’m a child of the late 80s.

It was the birth of the self-esteem movement.

And many dads were not having it.

Out of fear that they would raise “soft” sons, they cut against the grain.

They were hard on their boys.

And raised a generation of men starved for approval

Every boy longs to hear two words from his dad:

“Well done!”

When he hears it early and often,

He’s not controlled by other people’s opinions because he’s received the approval of the man who matters most.

Withholding approval doesn’t make him stronger.

It makes him needy. 

Physical Play:

Play is powerful.

A 2020 Cambridge study found that physical play with fathers had a significant impact on a child’s emotional development.

Physical play from 0-3 was tied to:

– Fewer instances of hyperactivity

– Less aggression with peers

– Emotion regulation

And it doesn’t have to end after 3.

My teenage sons still push me around and tackle me to the ground.

In the safety of a loving relationship,

Physical play creates a powerful bond between father and son.

The resulting emotional development is just icing on the cake

Allowance for Appropriate Immaturity:

A mentor once said to me,

“Never punish a child for being a child.”

It’s my job to turn my sons into responsible adults.

But I’ve been guilty of expecting too much of them, especially when they were young.

They need freedom to be kids

In your son you want to see appropriate immaturity.

If they’re taking care of the family as a 5 year old, that’s a bad thing.

If they’re 15 and can’t care for themselves, that’s also bad.

Fathers must strike the balance.

Teach them to be men while allowing them to be kids

In-Couragement:

I know I spelled it wrong.

But the word “encouragement” falls short.

Courage doesn’t grow naturally.

It must be spoken into existence.

It is a quality that must be planted into the core of a boy’s being by a man he trusts. In-couraging your son is more than cheering for him or saying “you can do it.”

It’s a sincere expression of belief.

It must be spoken.

It must be repeated.

It must be genuine.

Our world is plagued by men who lack true courage.

Don’t let your son be one of them

Humility:

I’m fascinated by water.

It’s necessary for life to exist.

But, when uncontrolled, it is the most destructive force on the planet.

Pride is the same way.

It’s important to have a certain sense of pride in yourself and your work.

But too much of it tears things apart

When I speak to groups of fathers, I encourage them to “take the lowest seat.”

It’s a phrase borrowed from the medieval pecking order around a banquet table.

It’s a reminder that genuine strength is displayed in self-sacrifice.

As a father, show your sons how to put pride aside

Boundaries:

Nurturing a boy’s heart doesn’t mean anything goes.

One of my sons leaves for college in a week.

He needs to know how the world works.

He won’t live an unlimited life where he gets to do whatever he wants.

Our lives are full of limitations.

And that’s good

As my boys have become young men, they’ve tested the boundaries.

They’ve pushed against me and sought to assert themselves.

I let them. To a point.

There are lines they still can’t cross.

A gentle, firm hand from a loving father creates a boy who knows how to navigate life

I know our sons need more from us than these 8 things.

But I also know that, as fathers, if we give them:

– Availability

– Delight

– Approval

– Physical play

– Appropriate immaturity

– In-couragement

– Humility

– Boundaries

We’ve given our sons gifts they’ll carry for life.

You are mature…. If you….

You understand life is better when nobody knows anything about you

You let people win arguments to preserve your energy. You know how to pick your battles

You don’t need to be liked by everyone. Deep and narrow is better than wide and shallow

You are responsible for your own happiness. Not your kids, partner, or material possessions

You don’t have an opinion on everything because you don’t know everything (it’s not an excuse to be basic. Know most things)

You understand most people are not bad. They’re acting out of fear and anxiety

You learn from the past, plan for the future, and live in the present

You know you aren’t responsible for other peoples expectations of you

You know other people can’t read your mind, so you get better at communicating ideas

You don’t need approval from others, only yourself

You know the more you chase happiness, the more it runs away. You don’t chase, you attract

You stop listening to what people say and watch what they do

You know most people don’t actually want to change. They want to be heard and accepted because change is uncomfortable

You know you don’t need to react to everything because not everything deserves your attention

You know the world reflects your own feelings back at you

You acknowledge your emotions and know they are temporary

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BY 40..

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Make the most of today

Never tell anyone everything. Privacy is power

Avoid the news. They get rich by feeding off of your fear. Most of it drives a specific narrative.

You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be consistent

You’re your own best friend. Take care of yourself.

Investing in your knowledge will always pay off in the future

Life is a single player game. You need to be able to work and be confident alone.

Choose the harder option. It will lead to more growth and knowledge

When thing’s get tough, speak up. It’s okay to not be okay.

Do what makes you happy. Not what makes others happy

Find a way to make money in your sleep, or you will work until you die.

Take risks. Either you win, or you learn

Listen more than you talk. This is how you win friends.

Your friends should be helping you level up. Not bringing you down.

Life doesn’t get any easier. You just become stronger.

Your job is someone else’s passive income. Find ways to make money while you sleep

12 LESSONS IN LIFE 1

Stay Away from Anger, it hurts only you!
It doesn’t solve anything.
It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything. 2

If you are right then there is no need to get angry, and if you are wrong then you don’t have any right to get angry. 3

Patience with family is love, Patience with others is respect, Patience with self is confidence and Patience with God is faith. 4

Never think hard about the PAST, it brings tears….
Don’t think about the FUTURE, it brings fear….
Live this moment with a smile, it brings cheers. 5

Every test in our life makes us bitter or better. Every problem comes to make us or break us. The choice is ours whether we become victims or victors. 6

Do you know why God created gaps between fingers?
So that someone who is special to you comes and fills those gaps by holding your hand till God’s appointed time. 7

God has sent us all in pairs, someone somewhere is made for you. So wait for the right time and right moment. 8

A satisfied life is better than a successful life because our success is measured by others. But our satisfaction is measured by our own soul, mind & heart. 9

Life is like a notebook.
Two pages are already written by God.
First page is birth. Last page is Death. Center pages are empty. So, fill them with SMILE & LOVE. 10

Life is beautiful.
One day, one hour and one minute spent, will not come again in your entire life. Avoid fights, anger and speak lovely to every person. 11

Nothing is permanent.
Don’t stress yourself too much because no matter how bad the situation is, it will change. 12

Life is an echo.
What you send out, comes back.
What you sow, you reap.
What you give, you get.
What you see in others, exists in you.
Don’t judge – so you will not be judged. Radiate and give love and love will come back to you.

Positive and Negative Emotions

You ignore almost everything except things that move you forward and things that act as obstacles. Your dopaminergic system alerts you to situations that help you move forward. The negative emotions are generated (either through a small detour or catastrophic end).

Positive events have short-term and long-term benefits. Passing an exam allows positive emotions to echo across multiple levels of analysis. It makes you feel good about yourself, your goals, and life.

Negative events have short term and long-term repercussions. A sheltered, naïve person who encounters malevolence will very likely descend into complete chaos that they might not recover from. They will sink into depression and anxiety. On a neurological level, their hippocampus shrinks, and amygdala grows.

When goals are blocked – it leads you to question everything about your belief system. You cease to know where you are, and when you don’t know where you are – everything suddenly becomes relevant. Your brain deteriorates from too much stress.

The question becomes: How big is the obstacle? And you assess the size of the threat the same way your ancestors assessed the size of their predators. It works the same way. It couldn’t be any different. Evolution is a conservative system and so your threat response builds upon the previous systems.

Information

We conceptualize predators as “the unknown”, but we have come to learn that it could be beneficial to confront the unknown. The predators were threats, but they then became food. That defines the archetypical story of mankind. We go out into the terrifying unknown as information foragers and gather things of value. The system could have also developed from our fruit eating activities that required us to identify ripe fruit. In a sense, there isn’t much of a difference between information and food. We are always looking for ways to produce more of what we need.

Anomalous information usually has two sides. If you were in a bad relationship, a fight can represent a chance for reconciliation and resolution, or it might signify the end of the relationship (which you don’t want). Both the reward (goal-seeking) and threat (predatory) systems are activated. A good rule of thumb is to assume that the fight is a short-term problem that can be resolved, until there is good reason to assume that it is a long-term problem – in which case, it would be advisable to end the relationship.

There are few limits to your ability to turn pain into pleasure. For example, you train yourselves to enjoy coffee and olives – which are originally bitter. But with enough practice, we can learn to enjoy them.

Depression

When happens to depressed people is that they misinterpret their mistakes. If you had to prepare a meal, for example, your first step is to set the table.

What depressed people do after making a mistake, for example, setting the table badly is misinterpret that to mean that they cannot cook a meal. That leads them to believe that they can’t take care of their family, and finally that they are failures. Their serotonin levels fall, and it makes every little thing seem like a catastrophe. They don’t have proper mechanisms for dealing with failures. They radically overestimate the competence of everyone else and underestimate their own competence.